So a few pleasant A roads then on to the M40.
Three miles up the M40 to be exact. Just at the top of a long hill
Just here in fact
http://goo.gl/maps/TgMolthats where the temp gauge went all the way off the top. So, I pulls over quick smart and killed the engine. After opening the bonnet and watching the steam for a while I decided to let everyone know where I was. Problem was, everyone was either going the wrong way, had caravans of their own to worry about or were unreachable.
So, priorities.
Water. The car needed water. I turned to the caravan with dismay. I had spent 10 mins draining it down before I left as it was going straight back into storage. Ok, theres a bridge and it looks like a canal. Canals = water.
Ahh. Its a railway line.
Bugger.
So I ponders for a moment.
COWS!
Theres a field full of cows next to the motorway. Cows need water.
Allow me a moment to describe my attire. As it was a pleasant day I had opted for my nice iron maiden tshirt, a pair of knee length camo shorts and my Karrimor trainers complete with trainer socks.
So armed with a 500ml empty bottle I slide down the embankment, through the nettles, over the barbed wire fence, through the chest high brambles and onto the path that led down to the bottom of the field where there were signs of life. To be fair, most of the life was cows, but there were signs of builders materials, blue nylon pipes ect (you can see them on satellite view) I will admit to stopping a few times to pick the odd doc leaf for the nettle stings and even managed to get a few thorns out of my hands on the way. So im walking quite happily through the cows towards the gate when I hears the drum of hooves behind me.
I turned round, shat my shorts and ran like feck for the piles of blue pipes at the bottom.
Maybe they liked jazz, and not iron maiden but one things for sure, they didnt like me in their field. So whilst im stood on the pile of pipes, wondering what to do next, the bovine bastards had sent out a telepathic message to the rest of the herd. Who all decided to come and see what was going on.
So I walked toward the end of the pipes nearest the gate, obviously trying to escape and they followed me. They were probably looking for food or something.
Probably.
Or maybe cows are like dolphins, maybe they have learned not to bite humans when other humans are watching
So I walked back to the top end of the pipes, and again they followed me. So I walked to the furthest point away from the gate I could get to. And they followed me.
Good.
I turned and in my mind, sprinted for the gate, clearing it with a single bound to end with a forward roll on the other side while the cows stood there wondering how they had been so stupid not to cover the exit..
What actually happened was I fell over, got my foot stuck, slipped into a patch of nettles, hobbled to the gate and hauled myself over into a heap on the floor
And the cows never moved an inch.
Bastards.
So, im stood in a single track lane in the Warwickshire countryside with a herd of cows between me and the car and no water.
After a bit of poking round in the ditch I found a few inches of stagnant water. I knew it was water as it had swimmy things in. like tadpoles only quicker. Or maybe it was cow piss. Whatever, I filled my bottle and turned to the gate. Thats where all the cows were stood. I tried a few shoo`s but apart from a few wiggled ears, they werent moving. So I moved to the gate in the next field, figuring I could walk up to the motorway then along the hard shoulder. I must admit to being impressed with the speed that they came through the gap in the hedge. So, im now stood there with two fields full of killer cows.
Ok, railway bridge. So I walks under the bridge, up the steps, through another barbed wire fence and after checking it wasnt electrified I set off towards the motorway.
Now before anyone gets on your high horses, I know its illegal. And dangerous. But it was Sunday afternoon, in the middle of nowhere and the chances of getting a train this far out in the sticks was pretty slim. So I walked up to where the motorway crossed over the railway and tried to get up the embankment.
After 10 mins of trying to extricate myself from a massive patch of dog roses I emerged next to the barbed wire fence and crawled up to the hard shoulder.
Through the nettles. Wearing shorts.
I poured the water in and watched as it went glug gone
Deep breath. Wipe blood off legs with a nice dirty rag and put hearing aids in dashboard.
Right, into the caravan, under the seats, along the hard shoulder. I looked everywhere and found 2.5L worth of bottles.
Actually I found more but decided to leave the yellow ones where they were.
The field was out of the question because the cows had wandered up to the fence to see if I would do any more gymnastics for them, so here we go again.
Down through the nettles, get ripped to shreds by the dog roses, and onto the railway line and headed for the bridge by the ditch.
Thats when I decided I should have left my hearing aids in.
actually, as im trying to be accurate, I decided I should have left my hearing aids in when the train came flying round the corner.
I jumped to the side and found myself still alive, but chest deep in brambles. And bleeding.
Again.
As it turned out, this wasnt as bad as it seems, coz on this side of the tracks there wasnt any cows.
There was horses.
Now I can do horses, weve got a horse and horses really do drink water.
So I picked my way daintily through the brambles down to the horses field.
That statement implies that this was easy. I found a few things out on this part of the journey, one of them being that im too old to get my foot up to chest height to trample the brambles down. Especially going down hill.
I just sort of settled for trying to keep my head above them as I fell face first down the embankment.
After a brief pause to assess the blood loss I jumped the small ditch and cocked my leg over the fence to the horses field. After I had stopped screaming I got up and cursed all electric fences everywhere. I wandered down to the stable block and started calling out to see if anyone was about.
Getting no answer I started looking for the tap to fill the bottles. Thats when the nice lady that owns the stables came round the corner and found a bleeding, bedraggled scouser in a torn tshirt poking round her yard. After what felt like an eternity of screaming, accusations and threats she finally calmed down and showed me where the tap was.
Loaded up with 2.5L of nice fresh water and I asked if it was ok to retrace my steps through her field. Of course she said, just mind the electric fence
I think I managed to hide the twitch and staggered off up the field. Choosing to duck under the fence this time I managed not to get electrocuted in the nackers.
Instead I stood up too soon and got it in the shoulder
So, up through the brambles, along the railway line, up through the roses and the nettles and reaches the car.
I pours the 2.5L of water in and watch as it all disappears. I kneel down and no water underneath. I check the footwells in case the matrix has gone and nothing. Bone dry.
Not wanting to subject my bruised and bleeding body to any more pain, I have a little sit down and rack my brains.
Just how much urine does the average human pass in one sitting.
Well, not enough to fill a musso radiator was the answer. Then I spied the washer bottle. Must be 2L in there. So I fech some tubing from the boot and proceed to siphon the bottle dry.
Well, what I actually did was ring the missis and ask if windolene was poisonous whilst retching at the side of the car.
Seems i`d be ok, probably
Chucked that in and pumped the top hose. Nothing. Empty.
I decided then to sit down for a couple of mins whilst I had a little moment.
I checked my watch. 5:30pm. I had broken down at 3:30pm. Two hours.
Right, up I got, metaphorically kicked myself up the arse and set off.
Through the nettles, down through the roses, along the line through the brambles, over the fence (safely) back to the stables, yes love, thanks love cheers for the water, back through the field, over the fence, up through the brambles, along the line up through the roses, through the nettles and back to the car.
Phew.
I put the water in and joy, it started to fill up. I pumped a chunk of air out and was left with about 3/4 L.
I put the expansion bottle cap on and gave the hose a final pump. Thats when I realised that the cap had failed and wasnt sealing the system.
Stuff this im on a roll. After a brief pause I jumped in the caravan and grabbed the cling film. Two neat squares over the filler hole, screw the cap on and eureka!!! I have a seal. Dont know how long it will last, but its a start. Feeling all smug and proud I jump in, turn the key and then find out that the battery was dead.
Again.
This was when the cows realised their mistake and found out that Humans are top of the food chain. They derived this information from the primal scream that filled the air for a few seconds.
When the wildlife recovered and flew, scuttled ran and slithered to a safe distance I had another eureka moment. Remember the caravan with all the gadgets? It has a leisure battery.
So, after nearly getting splattered by a coach I managed to get the batteries swapped over and the bastard thing started. I made a dash for the first exit and noticed that the temp was holding steady. I called off the major rescue operation that Tom was planning and after a call to the missis, I made a mad dash back to the racecourse. In another stroke of genius I plugged the caravan into the mains and left the car battery in place of the leisure battery so at least I could start the car in the morning.
The whole episode had taken just over three hours.
To do a 12 mile round trip..
Tom (the event organiser) kindly invited me to the indian restaurant up the road with his team and we had many beers and good food. Thats when I got back to the caravan, stepped on the step that chose that precise moment to fail and trap my leg against the awning rail, cutting my shin to the bone..
So, lets fast forward to the next morning.
I bought a new cap for six pounds fifty and drove home.
Theres more, but you will have to watch the live tour for that.
I could have made this up, but it was that bizzare, that I didnt.
Goodnight
